Steps to Success
1) Make sure you make friends with the right people. Work, like most things involves a heavy dose of social networking. Unlike in college where your aim was to make friends with the coolest people i.e. those most likely to get you laid, in the work environment being friends with the guy with a four foot bong is not as helpful as you might expect. Sometimes you get lucky and actually have some friends at your job. While these friendship can be meaningful, if you really want to help your career you have to play nice with the big shots. Big shots have a two sided memory. All your accomplishments and hard work are stored in the section market keep for five seconds then disregard. I call this the goldfish section. The other part of their memory sector is relegated to any mistake you make and its average storage time is the rest of your life. I call this area the “I’m a huge asshole, I use my blackberry constantly, look how important I am” section. It has a catchy name don’t you think? As when hitting on a girl, make one good impression and then get the hell out of there. Always leave on a high note.
2) While at times your work may seem trivial and mind numbing, keep in mind that most people at your company no longer have any clue how to do your job. After entering middle management, employees seem to revert to children. This reverse aging directly correlates with career advancement. The higher up in the company you get the more childlike you become. Most executives hire assistants for 30K a year to wipe their asses. That kind of hands on experience really brightens up a resume.
3) Email can be a great tool. It saves a huge amount time and provides a means for instantaneous communications without having to actually talk to someone. In their tireless effort to hold our hands through the simplest of tasks, Microsoft felt the need to hazard a guess as to what email address we might want to write to with only a handful of letters. If I want to email bob in accounting, I simply hit the letter B and presto, Bob@lovesmoney.com pops right up. This can be a huge timesaver but it can also be your ultimate undoing. Never use your work email address for personal email. That hilarious YouTube video of “dick in a box” you just forwarded to all your friends won’t exactly impresses your CEO that you accidentally included.
4) Most jobs right out of school suck. In fact, no matter how many years of experience you have, there is still a high probability of your job sucking. Though your job may be thankless and mind numbing, it is very important to always look happy and enthusiastic about doing it. Nothing says I feel fulfilled in life like a big old grin on your face after completing eight hours of data entry. When you are photocopying a big project for your boss always keep in mind those idiots that didn’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a college education. In today’s competitive job market you need a college degree, masters, and a PHD just to be qualified to get someone a cup of coffee in the morning. Damn immigrants are edging us right out the door!
5) Don’t spend too much time on the internet. Now this one may sound stupid but just hear me out. We all know the dark sirens call of Wikipedia, the warm, familiar embrace of YouTube, and who could forget the sweet lovers’ caress of GChat? While it is tempting to give in to these stalwarts of procrastination, the price can be much higher than you think. If you are in a dead end job and you don’t want to advance at all, then go ahead and knock yourself out. Challenge yourself each and everyday to see just how many billable hours you can put to reading the best that Craigslist has to offer. Sadly, if you want to be noticed in work and actually get promoted, you have to do more than your job. I know, it sucks, but doing a good job and doing exactly what you are told to do isn’t enough. To get promoted you have to do all of those things while showing initiative and drive. If you can’t muster that just sleep your way to the top. Just look where it got me!
2) While at times your work may seem trivial and mind numbing, keep in mind that most people at your company no longer have any clue how to do your job. After entering middle management, employees seem to revert to children. This reverse aging directly correlates with career advancement. The higher up in the company you get the more childlike you become. Most executives hire assistants for 30K a year to wipe their asses. That kind of hands on experience really brightens up a resume.
3) Email can be a great tool. It saves a huge amount time and provides a means for instantaneous communications without having to actually talk to someone. In their tireless effort to hold our hands through the simplest of tasks, Microsoft felt the need to hazard a guess as to what email address we might want to write to with only a handful of letters. If I want to email bob in accounting, I simply hit the letter B and presto, Bob@lovesmoney.com pops right up. This can be a huge timesaver but it can also be your ultimate undoing. Never use your work email address for personal email. That hilarious YouTube video of “dick in a box” you just forwarded to all your friends won’t exactly impresses your CEO that you accidentally included.
4) Most jobs right out of school suck. In fact, no matter how many years of experience you have, there is still a high probability of your job sucking. Though your job may be thankless and mind numbing, it is very important to always look happy and enthusiastic about doing it. Nothing says I feel fulfilled in life like a big old grin on your face after completing eight hours of data entry. When you are photocopying a big project for your boss always keep in mind those idiots that didn’t spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a college education. In today’s competitive job market you need a college degree, masters, and a PHD just to be qualified to get someone a cup of coffee in the morning. Damn immigrants are edging us right out the door!
5) Don’t spend too much time on the internet. Now this one may sound stupid but just hear me out. We all know the dark sirens call of Wikipedia, the warm, familiar embrace of YouTube, and who could forget the sweet lovers’ caress of GChat? While it is tempting to give in to these stalwarts of procrastination, the price can be much higher than you think. If you are in a dead end job and you don’t want to advance at all, then go ahead and knock yourself out. Challenge yourself each and everyday to see just how many billable hours you can put to reading the best that Craigslist has to offer. Sadly, if you want to be noticed in work and actually get promoted, you have to do more than your job. I know, it sucks, but doing a good job and doing exactly what you are told to do isn’t enough. To get promoted you have to do all of those things while showing initiative and drive. If you can’t muster that just sleep your way to the top. Just look where it got me!
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